It was that question. Again.
“So….any new guys yet?”
The “yet” always gets me.
As if I’m doing something wrong because it’s taking so long.
It comes in various forms: “Dating anyone?” or “Why hasn’t any guy snatched you up yet?” (as if I’ve asked guys to not snatch me up–ya, I turned down Mr. Right because I JUST WASN’T FEELING LIKE MARRIAGE. Whhaaaa??)
I always vacillate between the most ridiculous range of emotions. From wanting to throw a fist to wanting to cry to wanting to scream to gathering every last ounce of self-control to calmly smile and say “nope, not yet:)” and then I usually proceed to say something about God’s timing and His sovereignty and how good He’s been to teach me what He’s taught me and I’d do all the heartbreak over in a second if it meant learning what I’ve learned.
And then they usually look disappointed with my answer.
So I keep smiling. Oh. The. Self. Control. That. Takes.
And while those words are true.
On the inside it looks more like this: A MAN DOES NOT DEFINE ME AND STOP ASKING ME THIS QUESTION AND IT’S CALLED WAITING ON THE LORD, AND WHY DO YOU THINK IT’S OK TO ASK ME THIS, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT DOES TO MY HEART AND STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME OR MISSING FROM MY LIFE.
That’s more the truth.
Let me tell you, if I had been planning my life, I would have probably done things differently. Scratch that. I would have.
But God, in His infinite wisdom, chose the most opposite course for my life than I chose. Thank goodness.
Key words: He chose.
Has it been easy when everyone else is getting married and having babies? No.
Have I often felt left out and confused about God’s plan? Absolutely.
Have I suffered incredible heartbreak and loss? Ohmygoodnessyes.
I have learned.
Boy have I ever learned.
Real, true, raw surrender of my life, my hopes, and my dreams. The kind where you lay down a huge dream, recognizing it may never happen, not for a week or two, but day after day for years and years. I’ve learned grace. Patience. What His sovereignty really means. What His goodness really means. Hope. Joy in trials. What the whole his glory and my good thing really means. Prayer. Trust. Listening to His voice. Major attitude adjustment.
Lessons with value beyond compare.
God has done some tremendous things in my life while single.
It has been real, raw, rare, precious time with just Him and I.
And then there’s this.
Because of my singleness I have had time to invest in things I never would have invested in. And by that I mean the good stuff–kingdom stuff.
I have had time to develop passions and relationships like I never would have been able to married, or probably even dating for that matter.
The time and freedom to discover the person my Savior created me to be has been a wild and beautiful adventure.
It’s taken me awhile, and it’s often been painful, but I see all of this as a privilege, as nothing more than sheer, abundant, unrelenting grace to learn what I’ve learned, most of which has come through the avenue of singleness.
Because of all this wonderful, what frustrates me most when I’m asked that question is this: do you see what God is doing in my life NOW? Or do you only see what He hasn’t done?
Here’s the thing: my story is God’s story. And He chose to write it this way. And that’s ok. What He’s written thus far is far better than anything I could have ever written on my own. So I have complete confidence in whatever chapters He has yet to write.
I have made a concerted effort to focus on the now. To invest in the kingdom now. To love people now. To pursue passions now.
My life is wonderfully full.
So to ask if there is a guy in my life yet is a virtual slap in the face to all God is doing NOW. To all He is using me for NOW. To HIS plan.
I am complete in Jesus Christ now, and I am not waiting for any man to complete me.
So, instead of asking me what’s next, instead of focusing on what has not happened, ask me what God is doing now.
Ask me what He’s taught me.
Ask me what I’ve learned.
Ask me how He’s using me.
I’d love to share all He’s up to with this single heart. Because it’s tremendous.
And I’m honored to be walking HIS story.
Soaking up the blessings and the grace of now.
I count it all as loss for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.